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 a couples threesome unicorn, hire an escort for a threesome,  somatic sex educator who also loves to entertain fetish, roleplay, couples threesome unicorn fantasies. She is a busty, petite, brunette bookish sex geek with a wicked sense of humor, goddess of pleasure and commander of foot worship in her red stilettos, cute as a button and even comes equipped with a some fancy east coast art college degrees, knows how to get her groove on and get fun-kay on the dance floor. Ms de Vive is available for travel to San Francisco, Portland, Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, NYC. Boston, DC, as well as internationally to London, Dubai, Sydney, Seville, Tokyo, Hong Kong.

Joy to The Word

Feb 11 2017 In Praise of Slow Sex and Sensual EatingCategory: Rants     01:24PM   0

I’ve written in the past about expectations of potential clients vs what sex workers offer and the different types of business models they operate in. Yet the majority of people who contact me seem to not read anything on how I preferred to be contacted, much less read this blog. Sometimes I feel like a waitress having a customer ask me, “I’ll have coffee and a bagel”, when I have a huge sign next to me in all caps that says “We Are Out Of Bagels.”

“We are out of bagels,” I calmly answer for the 3rd time, sighing and trying to not raise my voice. 

“Well then, I won’t get the coffee then. I’ll just have a bagel. And make it to go!”

They ask for a bagel again. And again. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, then the majority of people looking to hire a sex worker might just need a communication coach or a therapist. Because of the laws against sex work and the cultural stigma, it often makes it much harder to be clear on both sides or have a standard protocol like a regulated business. 

Types of in-person sex work you’ve seen advertised: escorts, BDSM, domination/submission, fetish, erotic massage/bodywork, tantra. Since food and sex are linked to similar parts of the brain (and I love being fed so much in both activities), I will use that as an analogy. Think of all these types of activities like foods you might seek out in a particular restaurant. You’re very hungry now and you want a particular thing to eat at the lowest price point, ASAP. You started drooling over a photo of a cheeseburger on a restaurant menu and now you just have to get it. You don’t have time to read about instructions or ingredients, you just need to eat something now, relatively cheap if it’s fast and convenient. You think I’m the cheeseburger you saw on the menu window. You send me an email like: “ Hi, u have incall?” “i’m mike call me 4155551234” “hello how much 1 hour? I am downtown and want to see you this afternoon.” “come 2 my hotel Im at…” “I have 300 for 1 hour.” “Do u do hh?” “Hi beautiful, love your website. I love mutual oral…” “Where can I find your reviews?” “Do you have incall?” “Are you shaved?” *

This translates to: “I don’t get it, where’s your drive-through? Why don’t you have fries on the menu like everyone else? But I’m hungry NOW. Where’s your dollar menu? Do you do have take out? Can I just have a bite of the burger to make sure I like it? Where’s your Yelp reviews like the other fast food chains? I have a Groupon but I’m not coming back once I get my deal. I don’t want to have to wait or pay or listen.. just shut up feed me I’m hungry I need I need…NOW!”

Who am I actually in this scenario? I’m the organic chef who wants to curate an experience of the senses with you. You are a gourmand who appreciates the ambiance, the attentive personalized service, the exclusivity, the tasting menu we create together.  As your personal chef, before we get in the kitchen I ask you about your palate preferences to co-create something delicious I know you’ll love. You enjoy comfort food, but I also offer new gastronomic sensations that push your tastebuds to the edge. I want us to be in ecstasy when I’m cooking; we’re both feeding each other, but you feed me by your enjoyment and pleasure. I want to show you through my cooking that you are authentically loved. When you leave my bistro, I want you to leave not just well-sated and nourished, but I hope the relationship with your lover, partner or spouse will be transformed from our time together. You can ask your lover what foods they enjoy and start cooking in this way for one another. Good food is connection, intimacy, love and life.

I have no drive-through, no to-go bags, no quickie service, no one with paper hats taking your order. You need to make a reservation in advance, and sometimes there’s a wait of a few weeks as I have to tailor my schedule to fit yours. I need time to secure a kitchen and make sure I have everything for a mutually enjoyable experience. That’s the life of the traveling organic chef. 

Here are some tips when contacting an escort or any sex worker: Read their website or ad first thoroughly of what they require to feel comforable seeing  you. When you send in your reservation form, please make the chef’s job easy by filling in everything she asks for and making a great first impression. The chef doesn’t cook for just anyone who knocks on the window walking by.  Let her know why you sought out her particular restaurant and don’t ask about the specials you saw on a drive-through menu you saw down the street. She wants to spend more time in the kitchen and less time as a stressed out waitress hearing, “But do you have bagels? Are they as good as bagels at the mall? Are they on sale? And can I have a free sample…”

Be the customer that every chef loves to serve and you’ll want to come back regularly. I'm choosy who I let into my restaurant; My income would be three times higher if I was a Mickey D’s franchisee, but then I would probably resent my job and most of my customers. I have such gratitude for whom I serve. When I do get an inquiry with all their information filled out or a thoughtful thank-you, I'm reminded why I need to be a passionate chef in a fast food, mainstream porn culture world.**

À votre santé!

*Sadly, these are actual requests I’ve gotten! Almost 85% of the inquiries I receive go straight to the trash.

**I am not putting down other types of business models. We've all eaten fast food at one point, and the businesses wouldn’t be so wildly successful if the majority of the world didn’t consume it. I’m trying to make a distinction between myself the expectations of the majority of people who make initial contact with me.


Tags: sex work, how to contact an escort, what not to say to an escort, hire an escort, sex and food, high end vs low end escorts, prostitute vs escort, courtesan vs prostitute, why escorts screen, escort verification. 

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