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Joy to The Word

Jan 23 2014 Are You in a Sexless Marriage?Category: Rants     12:36PM   1

I came across an interesting article about a woman in a sexless marriage. Like many others before her, she fell in love with a man despite being sexually incompatible with him.

I can relate to this woman; I was engaged several years ago to a man that never really turned me on and we rarely had sex. I loved him but we were basically roommates for years as well as business partners. We had lots of common friends and I spent almost every Sunday at his family's house (whom I felt closer to in many ways than my own) so it was hard to untangle it all. When he proposed after a few years, I thought about Woody Allen's' quote in Annie Hall:

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

I didn't want to kill the shark, so I said yes knowing on the pit of my stomach I was walking the plank. A few month before the wedding we were bickering so we went to pre-marriage counseling, and I remember muttering to the councilor almost inaudibly, "but we're...like...not having... sex and it's...um...painful for me and feels bad when we do."

I remember the therapist and my fiancée forming a little alliance and asking me why sex was so important in my life. Why, there was lots of other things that were important to a marriage! Why was I nitpicking and focusing on the negative? At the time hearing this, I thought I was the only woman in the world who wanted sex more than her boyfriend. I thought only men wanted great sex and fantasized about having lots of lovers and fucking the UPS guy in the middle of the day (or is that just me? Maybe it's their brown uniforms, but a man in a uniform is a thing to behold.) Of course there's more to a relationship than sex, but we live in a culture that puts sex in at the bottom of priorites in our lives and then blames (statistically more men) for cheating. Lucky for me and my fiancée, we broke up two months before the wedding. A huge weight lifted from me. I realized I was free to go live out my secret dream of 20 years and finally move to the Bay Area (the birthplace of new and radical ideas.) Besides gorgeous weather, I knew there was something here that I needed to find, I just didn’t know what it was yet. On Christmas day of 2005 I flew 3000 miles to the left coast, it was the birth of a new me. Over the last few years, a sexually liberated, much sexier and very satisfied me. A journey that continues; join me.


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Comments: (add)

Mike said on 12-29-2014 at 5:13 pm:
"Why, there was lots of other things that were important to a marriage (besides sex)...."

True, but your therapist and fiance both missed the point that sex is the sine qua non of the marital relationship. You were wise to break off the engagement.